Heck it’s hard being sick

I was talking to my mum lately and she mentioned what her doctor told her: "It does seem that you have not dealt much with doctors in our life."

Rightly so. I haven’t either.

And I wasn’t ready.

Since January this year and doing a scan to try and understand why I was bleeding from my uterus, my life has been… well medical, to say the least.

I know some of you might be very impatient to hear from my transatlantic crossing and my New York City vacation… But today I want to tell you about the journey of being sick.

I promise I will come back to the Queen Mary 2, which now feels like a golden shiny parenthesis in a long and painstaking process of therapeutic investigation, tests, treatments and medical conditions.

Today  I want to vent.

I feel like I’ve been examined though every hole, that every one of my organs has been put to the test, that each of my moves is being watched and commented upon, that anything I have ever said or done, each of my life choices is now being be used against me.

I feel betrayed by a body who was silent for so many years despite what I put her through, who did not give any warning signs (or maybe I wasn’t listening?)

I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared to be sick.

Not that anyone is.

Besides, to be honest, even though I have now been diagnosed with at least two different diseases, I feel fine. I do not feel sick in any way, shape or form.

Which is amazing. And my heart really goes to anyone who "feels" sick, experiences pain or is incapacitated. Their journey must be so much worse than mine.

And yet.

What I am moaning about today is twofold.

First it feels like every time I do another test the doctors find something else. Like I’m "sicker and sicker", like I’m falling out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I have cancer in my kidney. I have also been diagnosed with sleep apnoea and possibly TB.

And still no one knows (among the four doctors who are now "dealing with my case") why I’m bleeding. My issue is that I feel there is no end and every new doctor finds something else. That I have to be tested for. That needs scans, exams, medication or surgery.

The whole process takes up soooo much time and energy.

Again, I’m so lucky that I don’t feel sick. I can’t imagine how much stamina it would take to deal with all of that if I did feel sick.

Hopefully next week I’ll know all there is to know and all that needs to be done.

And I can map out my next steps.

For now, I’m still in limbo and suspended state. Waiting. Getting examined from every aspect and given very few answers.

And I’m not liking it…

I’m humbled to be reminded that "body" is definitely more important that mind, that the state of the vessel determines the joys or sorrows of the journey, that ignoring my body for years is not coming back to kick me in the butt.

I’m humbled to be reminded that I need others, way more qualified than myself, to take care of my body.

And reminded that from now on, I need to be doing that for my body myself, that I cannot keep on thinking "I’ll take care of my body when I have a successful business, when I’m happier, when I’m richer, when I have free time, when… pigs fly."

I am making myself and my body a priority. I’m getting selfish as I mentioned in of my previous posts (read it here:https://isayabelle.com/the-wise-goddess-takes-up-cancer)

Better late than never, right?

I can’t believe it myself that I would have been so stupid.

Anyway, no use feeling guilty now.

This morning, all 3 cards I pulled for myself were talking about change, being willing to change my perspective, a new way of being, the possibility for me to reclaim my personal power and choose to move beyond my personal limitations.

So I do. I will. I am changing so many things. In tiny steps or huge shifts. Slowly adding more self-care and removing from my life things, people and habits that were stale, self-abusive and not working for me any more.

And I will keep you posted about this new depth of Living a Goddess Life that is unfolding for me, this new path of deeper self-love and self-care.

The second thing I was unprepared for and inexperienced in is the lack of empathy, the total absence of explanations and the sheer disdain I have been treated with.

By doctors, nurses, secretaries and phone operators, by orderlies and radiographers and radiologists.

Again, thank the Goddess I am not diminished or weakened by my (many!!) ailments. That would literally make this journey Hell on Earth.

And let me specify that I live in France, where we have one of the best Health Care systems in the world. Most of my exams, procedures and medications are free. Most of the doctors I have had to deal with are amazing, capable, caring and devoted. Most of the other people in the system too.

Yet, it’s been hard.

To get clarifications, to get people to explain what they were doing or intending to do, why and how.

To have appointments that were convenient not only for the doctor but for me, my availability, my mobility, etc.

To obtain help with admin stuff like finding phone numbers for labs, hospitals; or help with forwarding lab results from one doctor to the other, with communicating both with me and with each other…

I have been the one doing most of the "keep everyone in the loop" job, most of the "making sure that there is no mistake at any time" job. And the paperwork, OMGoddess, the paperwork.

And blimey does it suck up energy. And time.

It also calls for skills that I had no idea: diplomacy, courtesy and kindness (on my part!). As well as stubbornness, determination AND flexibility.

It seems this is also my time to work on my goodwill, to develop my experience of cooperation and collaboration and show my open-mindedness.

Voilà.
A day in the life a recently diagnosed woman who had never been seriously ill before.
And breathe Isaya, breathe, all is going to be OK.
All about acceptance.
Yesterday, a wise teacher of mine said those words:
I surrender all effort.
I surrender all outcome.
I let myself just be.

Sounds like a plan.

So much for today ...
I would be so happy to hear from you about all that.
Thank you in advance for your comment.
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.

Isaya

PS: Now… Maybe you feel like you want to support me in my cancer healing journey?

I am OK (and grateful!) for receiving any Reiki, Prayers, Light, Love, Hugs or any other healing modal sent with pure intentions and love. As far as advice and "recipes" are concerned, please ask me before you download your knowledge, links or recommendations onto me. Overwhelm is lurking already…

On a very practical way, because I’m focusing on my healing, I have less time and energy for promotion… and less money coming in… So one way to help and support me is to actually buy something from me!

You can find some of my Goddess Connected programs here: https://isayabelle.com/the-magic-goddess-online-programs

Please also bear in mind that I am reclaiming my journey and that my solutions and my path are mine and mine only. They are not intended to be a guide or a list of advice, a handbook or manual or any kind, least of all medical. This is just me sharing my journey.