A Colossal Forgiveness of Self

A Colossal Forgiveness of Self.

I read these words the other day and they hit home. Painfully.

Voilà.

That is what I need to be "doing" right now.

A Colossal Forgiveness of Self.

That. And nothing else.

Because forgiving oneself can be a challenging yet deeply healing process, maybe the most deeply healing process.

So here I go. That is my intention.

To forgive myself for all my mistakes and errors, wrong doings, harsh words and judgements, mean comments and prejudices, bias and screw-ups, dumb moves and misinformed decisions.

To forgive myself for all my faults and lapses. And be OK with being the most imperfect faulty amazing person I am.

To forgive myself. To let it all go. To finally give mercy to myself.

For the things I did in good intention that turned out bad for me or others.

For the things I did to harm others. Yep, intentionally. There are some of those. Even if I don’t like to acknowledge them.

For the things I did to abuse myself. Deliberately or not. Even the ones I still do.

For the things I said that wounded others.

For the things I said that hurt me.

For the things I did not do.

For the things I did not say.

Maybe these are the worst. The things I did not do, the words I did not say that I regret not saying, not doing. 

All those things that fester and rot in my mind and make it almost impossible to heal, let alone be happy.

Those are the ones that keep me reliving the past, that keep me trotting out the same old stories and punishing myself again and again, brooding over my mistakes and feeling those guilt and shame feelings time and time again.

Torturing myself with my past mistakes.

STOP Isaya, STOP right this minute.

Have you forgotten?

One cannot change the past.

I have no power in the past, nor in the future for that sake.

Only in the present.

So… How the AF do you that, Isaya? How the AF does one forgive one’s self?

Well…

I don’t know. Yet.

The one thing I do know is that guilt and shame live in the shadows, in the darkness of our consciousness and subconscious. Just like fears, guilt and shame are intensified by me not looking at them, by me burying the deeper and deeper.

So I’m guessing step number one has to be LIGHT.

Turning on the light on those shameful moments, on those guilt-inducing actions and words. Although it does feel terribly hard and painful, that is what I want to do today. Not all of them of course, the list would be too long. Some that are meaningful for me, whether big or small, some that are keeping me in this loop of "not good enough, not perfect enough, not worthy enough."

I want to talk about the last words I said to my father when he was taken away by the ambulance, the last words he heard from me while still being conscious. I said "Good luck". What I really wanted to say was "I love you" but I was scared as these words had never been uttered between us. So I bailed. And lost my last chance to tell him before he died. So much guilt.

I want to talk about the time I copied and adapted a few sentences from the content of a fellow entrepreneur. And got caught. So much shame.

I want to talk about the late night snacks that I know are unhealthy and damaging to my general well-being, but still taste so comforting and good in my mouth. So much guilt.

I want to talk about the time I did not see my husband falling deeper into addiction. And then preferred to keep pretending I did not know because I was frightened I could not help. So much shame.

I want to talk about the moment I did not sell a piece of property that would have been such a huge income because I was afraid of so much money at such a young age. So much guilt.

I want to talk about my body and how I usually feel about it. Shameful. And feeling more shame because I don’t "love my body unconditionally". So much shame.

I want to talk about the time I seriously considered leaving my husband when he was in a coma. So much guilt.

I want to talk about the actual numbers of my business. So tiny. Not even worth 3 months of my old teacher job salary. Despite so much work. So much shame.

Voilà. Those ones for today.

I want to talk about those moments. And more.

To shed some light on them. To acknowledge those mistakes and look at them in broad daylight.

To take responsibility and make amends where necessary.

To begin feeling OK with them, with me being imperfect and messy and faulty and unworthy even. At times. Not all the time. Not inherently.

To finally seriously practice self-compassion and treat myself with the same kindness and understanding I would offer to a friend.

To remind myself that that everyone makes mistakes, that making mistakes is part of being human and doesn't define my worth.

To replace my self-critical thoughts with positive affirmations.

So I begin with that one: I am human.

And I choose to engage in Self-Care activities that promote my well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, and mindfulness practices. I actually created an Oracle Deck about such practices, which you can find here: https://isayabelle.com/goddess-self-care-oracle-sp

(I know, right, I see the paradox. I’m always still learning!)

I begin building a real sense of self-esteem, one that has acknowledges mistakes and accomplishments, failures and successes, shit attitudes and glorious achievements, shadow and light.

And I consciously decide to let go of the guilt and regret. I recognize that holding onto these emotions doesn't serve me or anyone else, that it won’t change my past or my future, let alone my present. So, in the immortal words of Paul McCartney, I Let It Be.

In case you thought I had "already done all that"… Well … No. I am never finished growing. And I know that forgiving myself is a crucial step toward healing and personal growth. The path to growth is never ending as we can all grow to infinity. It’s about progress, not perfection, here too. Actually, yesterday, I did push-ups, for the first time in forever… and I did not completely suck at it. So, there’s hope!

I would be so happy to hear from you about all that. Thank you in advance for your comment.

So much for today …

See you soon, for my next online adventures!

Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.

Isaya

Now…

Maybe you feel like you want to support me as I navigate the Cancer journey?

I am OK and grateful to receive any Reiki, Prayers, Light, Love, Hugs or any other healing modal sent with pure intentions and love.

As far as advice and "recipes" are concerned, please ask me before you download your knowledge, links or recommendations onto me. Overwhelm is always lurking…

On a very practical way, because I’m going to be focusing on my healing, I will have less money coming in…

One way to help and support me is to actually buy something from me!

You can find some of my Goddess Connected programs here:

https://isayabelle.com/the-magic-goddess-online-programs 

or here: https://isayabelle.com/tech-goddess-academy-2

Please also bear in mind that I am reclaiming my journey and that my solutions and my path are mine and mine only. They are not intended to be a guide or a list of advice, a handbook or manual or any kind, least of all medical. This is just me sharing my journey.

Finally I also want to remind you that taking care of myself on this journey means saving my energy for the things that matter. Many of you have been asking for news and updates. Please put yourself in my shoes. I can't and do not want to repeat each and every new thing a dozen times to a dozen different people or in a dozen different groups. It is both tedious and painful. So if you get no direct answer to your questions about my health and my journey and my treatments, etc, do not take it the wrong way or personally. This cancer path has been kicking my ass on so many levels, but the main one is the very vocal reminder that I have to be selfish and take care of myself first. I promise I will give a general update next week in my blog as there will be "news", so stay tuned for that.