In December 2016, I quit smoking. It changed my life and I came to understand that it was the beginning of a whole new life, a whole new me. You can read more about that here. I was convinced “all my issues” were solved (well, almost all !) ...
In January 2017 I pushed and pushed for our family to adopt a cat. For me it was a reuniting cat. The idea was for the family to gather together around something and rekindle that love and intimacy we’d lost along the way.
And we did. We adopted a cat whose owner had just died. He was a solitary man who lived high in the Pyrenees.
As soon as the cat arrived home, I knew this was going to be hard.
She was terrified, hiding all the time and her claws could not retract, as a consequence of a genetic default. Her miaowing is high pitched, permanently demanding and very unpleasant.
In the first hour she was here, she scratched me hard, while I held her to try and calm her down, and kept being aggressive to me.
No one else in the house cared.
I felt I had to take care since she was my idea.
And it's been like this ever since.
She's annoying, loud, not cuddly at all, recriminates all the time, never gives anything back and is demanding, oh so demanding.
I came to realise this morning that she's a symbol for what I accept in my life.
I'm ok with things, people and animals who are demanding and uncaring in return.
And I believe I need to be devoted to them, until they finally love me back.
My marriage is exactly a reflection of this belief.
So was my relationship to my father.
Furthermore I believe that it's my duty to fix those things, people or animals and also to adapt to them and make do.
I believe that’s all I'm worth, that's all I deserve.
Today I'm tired of these beliefs; I'm tired of acting according to them.
I'm tired of pushing and pulling in my life, for people to feel good, and expecting them to love me for that.
Today I move out of this belief.
I am lovable.
I don't need to prove it.
I will not search and choose people, things or animals who are not good for me anymore.
I now give myself permission to get rid of those people, things and animals.
I do not want them in my energy field anymore.
I give myself permission to allow in my life people, things and animals that will love me unconditionally just the way I am.
And I abandon all others.
I allow them to drift outside my energy field.
I protect myself now with better boundaries and more, way more self love.
Life is a journey with numerous stages.
I allow for my relationships to be easy and flowing and loving instead of difficult, painful and demanding.
I deserve it.
I offer that to myself.
The cat is a symbol of who I don't want to be anymore, of who or what I do not want in my life anymore. I'm letting her go. I thank her for the message and I'm letting her go.
I'm sure she is not the cause, she is just an Agent of the Universe, a trigger for me to understand the message above.
Nonetheless I feel she needs to go. I need her to go. Or do I ?
Because I'm coming to realise and understand that maybe I can let those feelings and beliefs go … And symbolically that is strong enough to free myself.
I know my kids love the cat and have a way better relationship with her than I do.
In any case I desire to reinforce my new found boundary and find a way for the cat to not be my responsibility anymore. Which she actually isn’t.
So is my husband.
So was my father.
And fundamentally neither loved nor loves me.
My husband chose escapism from our relationship and from his life in general, and I “discovered” he was an alcoholic when he spent three weeks in a coma for it.
That was another huge turning point in my life, coming to understand that I was, and am, in charge of myself first, of my own well-being and spiritual journey, and that I cannot “save” anyone, ever.
So I let go of my expectations and dreams about my husband.
And about my father.
And about my cat.
None of them was ever going to love me the way I desire to be loved.
Whatever I tried to do around that… However big my sacrifices and however painful my own dedication.
Losing myself to get loved was, and is, a dead end.
I don't like my cat.
There, I said it.
I don't like my cat.
I give myself permission to not like my cat, to hate her even.
And I know that it is my imbecile and pushover persona that I'm criticizing here.
And yes I don't like this part of me anymore either.
I desire to change that too.
So I will.
Because change is possible. Change is a choice.
So today I reiterate.
I choose to accept that I don't like my cat, or my husband… or my father.
I loved them. I still do … But in such a different way today.
In a way where I don't expect anything in return.
I give whatever feels good to ME.
I say no and protect myself way more and way better. If that means some people drift away from my life, I'm OK with that. Actually I welcome that. At the moment I choose not to throw them out. I like to see myself as both generous enough, and strong enough to deal with my boundaries around them.
And I choose to be open and available for new ways of being loved, for new relationships to appear, for new love to be expressed to me, love and relationships that are easy, flowing and joyful, where I feel loved for who I am. Deeply and truly. And I bask in gratitude for the lessons, for the path I’ve walked, for the new found love in myself.
And so it is.
If you understand that you too have been coding for crap, and you want to move on,
If you know you need to align with the Goddess in you, for the next evolution for your TooMuchness,
If you feel you need assistance to let go of your past, establish better boundaries and fully step into your present and glorious future,
If you’re ready to move from letting yourself down into radical responsibility towards yourself,
If you willing to embrace absolute self-love and stop betraying yourself every chance you get,
If you're finally ready to invest in yourself … and to back yourself up !
I’ve got two spots for 1:1 coaching !
Book a free Dare to Shine discovery call and let’s see if we are a fit for coaching to unleash your inner Goddess! https://bookme.name/isayabelle/lite/30-minutes-free-discovery-call
I would be so happy to hear from you about all that. Thank you in advance for your comment.
So much for today ...
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.