Caught between a rock and a hard place

So …
I had a plan for today's blog post, and actually for my 2022 blog posts…
But you know what they say about the best laid plans…
I was going to talk about the importance of creating Passive Income in your business and discuss a few Tech tools that could help you out with that… A subject I'm really passionate about and … well, read the post till the end and see for yourself…
Then…
Out of the blue, this morning, in a meeting, a friend said something that hit me like a ton of bricks.
She said (I’m paraphrasing here): “I became aware that I need to struggle to get love and attention from my loved ones. If/when I’m surfing life, they at best ignore me completely and at worst despise my successes and happiness.”
F***
Holy F***
Holy Mother F***er
I was just stunned, dumb-founded and shocked … not in a good way.
I réalise that it’s the story of my life.
Times 100.

Let’s go back in time a little bit …
So it’s 1983.
I am 17 years old.
My paternal grandfather dies suddenly. My father leaves my mother and myself to go to Switzerland to take care of business and his mother. Ensues my parents divorce.
My mother starts a new life. Even more than before, she insists on the importance for women, i.e. herself and me, to be autonomous, independent and self-sufficient.
That is one of the main messages I’ve heard from her, a feminist empowering message that is one of my core values today.
And I will grow up to marry a lovely man who is not a provider, not a bread-winner in any way… So I become the bread-winner, the autonomous one, the one with the ideas and energy to make things happen and money come into our household.
Fine.
I am my mother’s daughter. And proud to be.
I am not a damsel in distress, a princess that needs to be rescued by a man, a prince in shining armour.
I am my own woman.
F*** the patriarchy!

At the same time, in another place in my mind and heart …
My relationship with my dad was complicated (in case you don’t remember, he died 18 months ago… a story for another day) and mostly based on me trying, kind of desperately and to no result, to have him express some love to me. I chose to maintain a relationship with him that was unsatisfactory … Rather than have no relationship at all…

Now …
Some years later…
It’s 2007.
I’m 40 years old.
My father remarried with a younger woman after the divorce.
One day, he calls me in his office… to announce to me that he will cut me from his will. Explaining that his wife will need the money when he dies and I won’t since I'm so autonomous and self-sufficient and the like.
And he adds (that was the really painful one) that he hopes I understand and can agree with him…
Taken by surprise by all this and really thunderstruck, I remain polite and can only gather the courage to say that he can do whatever but I will not be giving him my blessing for that and daring to ask why on earth he would feel that it was a good idea to tell me about that… And what was he expecting from me ?
Anyway …

What was the message that I got ?
If you struggle, if you're needy and NOT self-sufficient, you get money and love and attention.
If you’re autonomous.. You don’t “get” anything.
Because you don’t “need” it.
And I believe that this message was the one my father had given me long before this conversation… This was just the day I became conscious of that.

So…
Where did that leave me ?
Where does that leave me today?
Well…
Caught between a rock and a hard place, I guess…
Talk about limiting beliefs… Not even limiting here … BLOCKING beliefs…

I have to be successful and autonomous to be loved by my mum.
I’m not allowed to be successful and autonomous to be loved by my dad.

Pickle, isn’t it ?
And I know I seem like a 4 year old when I talk about my mum and my dad and their values and messages ….
I don’t care.
I believe all of us have a 4 year old inside who takes the wheel sometimes (most times?) and has us doing and saying things that are only done and said to get them love and attention.

I have been unravelling this double bind for a while..
But today was like a thunderbolt of clarity and shock.
A “Tower” moment (yes, I'm a Tarot fan!)

What now ?
I understand that I cannot win this game.
I have to change the rules.
I have to put the adult in me in the driving seat of my life.
Asap.
And send a clear signal to the Universe.
Make a choice.

Here is my choice:
No, I don't need to struggle.
No, I don't need to be rescued.
Ever again.

Yes, I am ready to win.
Yes, I am open and available for being seen and appreciated just the way I am now.
Yes, I am ready to be financially successful and gloriously autonomous.
Yes, I am open and available for rude amounts of money.
Yes, I am ready to feel loved and to love myself even more.
Yes, I am open and available for glory and success beyond measure and beyond my wildest dreams.

And I give myself permission to play by MY rules.
To invent them as I go.
And to create a life of ease, joy and abundance for myself, regardless of other people’s values and beliefs.
And to share this love, joy and abundance with as many as I can, to participate in raising the vibration of the planet as a whole.

So much for today ...
I would be so happy to hear from you about all that.
Thank you in advance for your comment.
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.
Isaya

P.S.
One of my values is ease.
That’s why I love Passive Income.
Another is playing…
So I came up with a free playful Masterclass to create a Passive Income product!
In 60 min, create, promote and get ready to sell, from scratch, a Passive Income Product, without a website, cart or email provider!
We work together (or you can watch me work!) and create a Passive Income Product (PDF, Paying Webinar Invitation, Video file, Audio file or Image file) and get it ready to sell...
So you can start earning money while you sleep!
January 19th 2022, 7pm UK
The masterclass is free and there will be a replay available!
Signup for my email list to access the live and replay Masterclass: https://bit.ly/3JoL8Gg