The journey begins with Facing Sadness
For my US friends it means “Holiday season”.
Not for me.
This time of the year, usually, I let myself go down gently towards the dark of winter. I allow the deeper, heavier energies of the end of autumn and winter coming to pervade my psyche and daily life. I listen to sad quiet music, do some black and white creative art, start cooking soups and round up my herbal teas, dig up the warm blankets and cosy sweaters (OK, I admit, I also start wearing my beloved leg warmers again - and I know it does “show my age” but hey, what can one do?).
I get ready for hibernation. Not that I intend to sleep the winter away but I consciously and willingly commit to dreaming more and acting less, sleeping more and hustling less…
So… I was getting ready to do that (I still have a huge project going on, I am writing a book, maybe even two, I talk about that here if you want to know more: https://isayabelle.com/nanowrimo-here-we-go)
But Autumn is the season of the witch and all magic was let loose.
The best laid plans… Or maybe that was exactly what I unconsciously planned…
Let’s give you some context…
I am overweight and I have had psoriasis (a nasty, very visible and itchy skin disease) for many years.
I have tried to “address” those “issues” many times in my life.
I believe both are linked in some way that I don’t really understand.
I believe they also have something to do with visibility and a lot more than physiological problems.
And before you ask, yes I did all the medical stuff for the psoriasis, both “traditional” and holistic.
And I did the diets, the nutritionists, the changes in eating habits, the “no sugar, no gluten, no dairy” and the like.
And nothing seems to have made a durable change.
The issues have not improved with the years and the menopause … on the contrary.
I am the type of person who loses weight when she’s ridiculously happy and eats more when she’s anxious or things get tough.
Psoriasis is a stress disease.
So you guessed it… Covid and lockdown mixed with menopause, the death of my father and my husband in a coma for 3 months … that did NOTHNG for me.
I’ve put on more weight than ever and my skin is far from clear.
Thanks to certain circumstances, I was lucky enough to be gifted some sessions with various of my fellow spiritual entrepreneur friends.
So I thought: Hey, what if I asked the same question to each of them and see what their healing modals can do for me? (I might well end up writing an article around each of these sessions!)
I was in for a treat. (I still am, as a matter of fact, since this is an ongoing journey… Stay tuned for more episodes!)
I had a session with Vivian Watson. Vivian is a Lighweb priestess and she offered me a Lighweb healing session.
She first asked: What’s the story then with the weight and skin disease?
And bam, just like that, I had a revelation. (yes, if you read me regularly you know I tend to have a lot of those… It’s simply because my life and psyche are so fascinating to me that I study them regularly… lol!)
Indeed, that is a story… Just a story.
I’ve been repeating it, over and over again, for more than 45 years…
Let me tell it to you so you understand what I mean.
When I was 8 years old, I fell ill.
For weeks, months maybe, nobody knew what I was ill with.
The rural doctor of our tiny village in the south of France had no clue. He kept sampling my blood, week after week, doing test after test after test. And found nothing.
As for symptoms, I was exhausted all the time, had a mild fever and sore throat at times. Mostly, I had no energy or dynamism whatsoever.
Flash back a few months before that, I, as a little girl, was the “solar” child, always happy, bouncing and jumping all over, always outside building shacks with my numerous girlfriends in the nearby forest or vineyards, organising games and theatre plays with our dolls and laughing, singing, dancing. I was the literal bundle of joy.
So when I became ill, I lost all of that.
As an only child, I had no one to play with and my friends were not allowed to visit since I might be contagious.
My parents worked and there I was, in my bed, alone.
It took the doctors three or four months to understand that I had mono.
Infectious mononucleosis, also called “mono,” is a contagious disease. Epstein-Barr virus is the most common cause of infectious mononucleosis, but other viruses can also cause this disease. It is common among teenagers and young adults, especially college students, but not amongst children, mostly in rural areas, thus the delay in my diagnosis.
Symptoms for mono include extreme fatigue, fever and sore throat, as well as head and body aches.
By the time the diagnosis actually fell, I was in need of a drastic treatment so I was given cortisone at a very high dosage.
Cortisone, albeit being very effective, also has serious side effects.
Namely increased appetite, weight gain, water retention in the body and psoriatic arthritis as well as “awakening” dormant psoriasis (which is an autoimmune very complicated disease that has both genetic and environmental components)
So… During and after the treatment, I put on a lot of weight.
And even a special diet without salt (to supposedly tackle the water retention) for a few months, didn’t change anything.
This weight is the one I have been carrying all my life… and the psoriasis might also be some kind of side effect of that traumatic event.
But the story I just told you has nothing in there about trauma or feeling bad. Just facts.
THAT was my revelation.
The story was void of any emotion to it.
I guess Vivian heard that as well as she offered we visit my 8 year old and ask her how she FELT about all that.
And, oh boy, did she have things to say. And feel.
Of course she had feelings, emotions and vivid memories … It’s as if she has been trapped in that bed ever since, no envy to do anything, no strength, no laughter.
Of course for her, for me, it was a traumatic experience.
Mostly because she had no words to talk about what was happening to her, she didn’t understand and in the absence of a diagnosis, nobody else did. So nobody helped her express her emotions.
She was also facing the fear of dying, and maybe that of causing pain to her parents.
That day, she couldn’t stop telling me how she had felt, how I had felt.
And I remembered …
I remembered the little rectangle of sky through my window, above the neighbours’ house, the chiming of the church bells every fifteen minutes, the boredom, the sleepiness, the feeling that I was dying.
Mostly, I remember (now!!) the impression that the life force was literally being drained out of me. Many years later when I saw the Harry Potter movies, the Dementors made so much sense to me… They drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... I felt exactly like that, like every good feeling, every ounce of life, joy and energy, every happy memory was being sucked out of me.
Vivian and I talked to this frightened little girl, and did the healing and it was amazing and felt so good.
But she wasn’t finished after that.
She needed to be heard more. She needed me to sit with her, witness her, and allow her.
Vivian suggested I give her permission to “drive my car”, i.e. to choose how she wanted to “talk”.
8yo me asked to draw.
So I did.
We sat together with paints and crayons and colours and old papers and old photographs.
Since she had no words, I gave her my fingers, some glue and markers...
And I let myself feel her pain, feel her despair.
She was holding so much sadness…
Trying not to DO anything about that, just be there for her, and allow...
I faced that seemingly endless well of sorrow.
And Hey it's tough.
And I cried. A lot.
But I did not drown in her tears. Nor in mine.
And I understood.
And of course the weight is here to protect me from all that pain, to dampen the blow of sadness and suffering that I have encountered in my life. (as I said, I lose weight easily when I'm happy!)
So is the psoriasis which “appeared” in my life many years later, when I was faced with the unbelievable amount of suffering that some of my close ones had gone through.
Psoriasis created a thicker skin, a manner cuirass, an armour to protect me from all the pain, the sadness, the grief, the heartbreak, the misery, the distress, the despair, the sadness…
After a long while, she told me she was done.
And since she was still in charge… She wanted to watch mermaid movies, then colour some mermaid images with metallic glitter markers… and buy a mermaid Barbie.
And you know what?
I loved spending time with her.
I loved finding the perfect healing modal simply by listening to her needs.
I actually can’t wait to do it again! And maybe styling that Barbe’s hair…
And still I want to define myself as a joyful person.
And still I long for more joy in my life.
But I know that I’m not finished sitting on the dock with my 8 year old and letting her run the show, express herself, express all the sadness we have repressed and suppressed for so many years.
I know we will have more hours dealing with that sadness.
And many hours of healing through playing.
I’m open to more healing.
I’m open to talk and spend time with all the unloved, unheard and unexpressed parts of myself.
And tell them how much I love them, how much I love ME, all the MEs.
Because, hey… That is how we rise.
I’ll keep you posted about it goes!
I would be so happy to hear from you about all that. Thank you in advance for your comment.
So much for today ...
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.
PS: Yes, of course, the pics for this article are the one we created together. As for my glittery, metallic shiny mermaid colorings.... some other day!