So I found a huge source of stress that I completely ignored and even maybe avoided…
I have been judging myself and complaining about my body not being “my best body” for years.
I pretend I love my body.
I pretend I can live my best life in this body.
I pretend I'm ok with being overweight.
I pretend I'm ok with having an annoyingly painful, ugly looking and itchy skin disease (psoriasis).
I pretend this is me too, and I am ok with that.
And I act accordingly.
I go on Facebook lives and show my face (missing teeth and all).
I create art tutorial videos where my hands show with all the psoriasis in close-ups.
I talk about loving our bodies and I teach about inclusiveness and all shapes and forms being beautiful.
I write about body love and acceptance and preach for all women to believe they are beautiful.
But I held a secret.
I was always thinking, secretly, that I should lose weight.
I should transfer my body to one with more muscles, less fat and no skin disease.
Then I would be ok.
Only then would I deserve success and happiness ( and male attention, but that is another story altogether)
And note the word... I should... not I desire, or I wish, or I'm going to... I should.
I was loving myself … conditionally
Until then…
Well until then I was doomed to be the NotEnough Girl
Not enough success
Not enough money
Not enough love
Not enough clients
…
I woke up this morning feeling all the shoulds…
Then during my meditation the thought emerged…
I was shown the stress in my body, the stress in my energy field.
The discrepancy between my feelings of NotEnoughness, of not being good enough, not thin enough…
And my “thinking” and acting as if …
That is where the stress comes from ...
From the rift between the two …
For some time now, I have been criticizing myself and my body everytime I cross my reflection in a mirror.
Too fat.
Too floppy.
Ugly skin.
But at the same time, I “ignore” these feelings and show myself, warts and all, in my business, in Social Media, in life.
And the fight is real.
Each and every time, it's like crossing over to a war zone.
I do it.
But OMGoddess am I not comfortable, deep down.
I am very good at pushing myself.
And I studied, eons ago, to be an actress.
So I can play the part of the confident fat extrovert. With talent.
You might think she is the real me. You might believe her.
I don't.
Deep down, I'm screaming and crying in shame.
How dare you ?
You should be ashamed.
Go and hide.
Stop making a fool of yourself.
Nobody wants to work with the fat woman.
Your body is proof that you don't know what you're doing.
Find a rock to hide under ASAP.
If you were any good at your job, you would have healed yourself by now.
Hide this ugliness now.
Heal yourself before you try to help others.
What makes you think anyone will trust you “in that state” ?
Yes I have a very mean inner voice.
I don't like her so much either.
But she is here.
And I can pretend she isn't as much as I want, it's a lie.
This morning I came to these understanding ( never too late)
1. Healed and thin are not synonyms (oh, juicy ! I’ll get back to you !)
2. When I judge myself (and others by the way…) I just create more discrepancy.
3. The gap is generating immense stress in me, in my body to be specific. And that stress is the reason I don't heal further ...
Because I can't.
As long as I keep hating, blaming and altogether stressing my body, I make it impossible for us to heal.
And the judgement I inflict on myself means I live in permanent stress between what/who I believe I should be deep down, and what/who I am.
And we all know (or do we?) that stress is the one thing that affects the body the most, that prevents weight loss and deep healing… (amongst other problems !)
So...
What do we do ?
Well ...
We move into full acceptance
I move into full acceptance and love.
I have to.
I desire to.
So I fill in the gap between my beliefs and my actions.
And how do we do that, pray tell Isaya?
Well… Here’s how I choose to “work” on that … But you have to find your own recipe for success ...
Become aware, pay attention to the judging of others and myself (however clandestine!), and stop it with a pattern interrupter (positive affirmations here I come!)
Give myself permission to move into full acceptance
Daily EFT
Daily “I love my body” practice during meditation ( bit by bit and piece by piece, because the hatred hides in sneaky places... “I love my body, but I hate my arms”)
Daily violet flame self-healings ( oh yes, I have to tell you someday how I became a Violet Flame Bearer)
Learn the difference between I love myself… and I like myself .. and furthermore with I take good care of myself daily … and implement !
And breathe.
Because now you see me.
Like literally.
You See Me.
I've just exposed myself to you.
Stripped of yet another layer.
When we become aware, conscious of a problem, block or limiting belief, we light it up.
We precisely make the shadow disappear.
By shedding light on it, we acknowledge it, we accept it, and ultimately we heal it.
So…
It is done.
Thanks for witnessing my coming out of the duplicitous closet.
I am aware.
Now to keep on walking this path of reconciliation.
To self-love.
Real Love.
Not just pushing through fear.
So mote it be.
More naked than I've ever been.
I walk.
I talk.
I teach.
I heal.
I love.
And I find joy in my healing and recovery.
I find joy in the journey.
And I stop waiting to be healed in order to fully show up and teach… Because personal development can be a vicious circle too…
I am ready.
Today.
Are you ?
Are you ready to live your best life just the way you are now, unhealed, TooMuch, NotEnough, too fat, too thin, too loud, too emotional, no matter what?
If you feel this is your path, and you need assistance to let go of your past, fully step into your present, and into Radical Responsibility towards yourself, Absolute Self-Love and stop betraying yourself every chance you get, if you're ready to invest in yourself … I’ve got several spots for 1:1 coaching starting in June !
Let's connect in a free Dare to Shine discovery call and see if we could work together! https://bookme.name/isayabelle/lite/30-minutes-free-discovery-call
I would be so happy to hear from you about all that. Thank you in advance for your comment.
So much for today ...
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.
Isaya
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