July 23


The TooMuch Woman and the gooey state

By IsayaBelle

July 23, 2021

butterfly, caterpillar, change, gooey, grief, inbetween, lifestory, loss, ritual, sadness, transition

I just spent 24 hours in rebirth.
I booked myself in a thermal centre with a hotel for one night.
And gave myself the gift of time and care.
I spent literally H floating in hot water( various temperatures and various number of bubbles), I got a massage, I pampered myself with healthy food and some nice music.
I gave myself an opportunity to be rejuvenated and to start fresh.
And OMGoddess did I need it.
In the last month, and even more widely in the last year, I've had so many things ending, so many ways of being stripped off me, so many feelings of loss, grief, and sadness…
So many finishings, terminations, closures, stops, ceasings, so many deaths, real or metaphoric…

A year ago, my father died. Abruptly. And with him all hope of ever getting his love, his approval, and a decent relationship with him... A year of stupor, grief, and learning to forgive, releasing, accepting and letting go… oh so much letting go …
So many expectations did I have on this relationship... So many unmet desires and hopes…
So much of my own self-esteem rested on that relationship, I now have come to understand.
And I know it was never going to happen.
I know. I know.
But there was still a little girl in me hoping, praying and conforming to his values, hoping, hoping so hard for his approval and love…
His death liberated me.
Of this expectation, of external approval... and I've come to understand the liberation is wider than just him…
I feel ok. I feel like I am now standing so much more on my own feet... I love, honour and accept myself so much better. And wait for no-one's approval anymore.
I trust my god and I walk my path.
But OMGoddess the anger at first... the loss... the sadness of knowing there isn't going to be another chance…

A year ago, I quit my day job.
For real.
I had been teaching English in Middle School for over a decade on and off, as a substitute teacher.
And last year, just before my father died, I quit.
I was done. With the unrewarding job, the criticism, the meager pay, the hardships, the crazy admin expectations and the jumping through hoops.
I chose to quit.
But OMGoddess was that hard...
Saying no to a regular salary, to the certainty of money, to a schedule, an “explainable” job and jumping full-on into the business world….
Being my own boss and my own rescue… No one to hold my hand, no one to catch me if I fall, no one to hold me accountable for actually showing up and not hiding under a blanket with a soap TV show eating candy and crisps…
Showing up, up, every day, every week, creating content, showing my face, talking my truth and promoting my stuff, holding high the belief of my own value and of the assistance and life-changing experience I can provide women …
Believing in myself. Daily. No matter what. Day in, day out. Whether the Universe gave me “proof” or not.
And keeping at it.
So many triggers, so many wobbles, so many fears, so many failures, so many successes.
I'm here. Still walking this path. And enjoying…
But OMGoddess... such an ending, such a leap outside my comfort zone (one that very few people understood, let alone approve... and I've had to give up on hoping for approval here too…)

Two months ago, I quit half of my business.
Earlier on I had made up my mind to work in both English and French.
But I felt, after almost 6 months of that, that I was spreading myself too thin, that the energy I was sending out to potential clients was confusing, and I was literally making it way too difficult for myself to succeed.
So I stopped the French-speaking part of my business.
And I let go of any dreams to be seen as an expert in my own country, in my own language.
And OMGoddess was that painful…
It felt like a huge failure, like I was giving up half of my income, half of my chances to be successful…
I know deep down that it was the best decision. But it does go against all my logical reasoning… Work more, earn more… Work hard for the money … All my money blocks got awoken by this one. Not only did I not have a day job anymore but I was giving up half of my possible clients … Seriously ?
I had to fight myself hard on this one… until I surrendered to the feeling of relief… And agreed to let go of excessive control and fears…
One more layer of fear…
And the grief here too is intense.
I feel like I'm being stripped bare.
Less and less protection and cookie cutter solutions... More and more walking into the unknown … Naked.
Armed only with my intuition and safe and self-love…
And breathe…

Three weeks ago my mother-in-law passed away.
She was 89 years old and her death was no surprise. But still.
I've known the woman since I was 19, since 1986.
And she has been in my life ever since. At some point my hubby and I ate lunch daily with the in-laws. And they were so welcoming and sweet when my own parents were unavailable.
More sadness, more endings.

But her death also means something way bigger than her.
A little backstory might come in handy…
My husband ( thus my in-laws) and my father originated from the same village in Switzerland (yes I know, a shrinks nightmare!).
In a few months when we empty my mother-in-law's former apartment and sell it…
I will have no way to go back to this village, except by booking myself in a hotel.
And OMGoddess that was a shock.
I usually define myself as a blowing in the wind woman, a daughter of the wind even.
My mother and all my mother’s lineage are Greek.
My father and all my father's lineage were Swiss. And there is no one left on this side of the family, but me.
I have lived in France for most of my life…
And I'm usually ok with having multiple roots in multiple countries.
But now... With my mother-in-law dying... It's like one of these roots is being cut. Harshly.
I feel like I'm losing my Swiss connection, my Swiss roots.
And although I might have been criticizing it and pretending I'm only Greek... I'm not.
And I feel severed, cut from something important.
Like my father is dying again.
OMGoddess... So much grief…
So much processing to be done.
So many layers being stripped of me.
So much nakedness.
So much vulnerability is exposed.

A week ago my eldest son called for an emergency.
One that he had already figured out and solved by himself.
He was actually calling me to let me know he was ok and he had taken care of himself and his girlfriend, found a solution and implemented it.
He is 25 years old.
My youngest son is 20.
I had an epiphany.
I'm done being a mum.
I'm done being first responder in their lives.
A new chapter is opening. I am now their mother… But motherhood is not my first and foremost anymore… Because they have grown up now.
Of course I'll be there for them, always.
As much as I can.
But as a matter of fact they don't need me that much anymore.
So... Endings, sadness and grief here too…
For my babies long grown, for the mummy in me who is now... unoccupied...
And at the same time, this immense opening, the incredible opportunity to start something new, something fresh, something just for me .. Another life almost …

Last week Antoine died.
He was my husband's cousin. He was my age. He was the sweetest guy, he was a beautiful soul, a musician and a poet. He died of a brutal degenerative disease.
And again. So much pain. So much unfairness to process.

So yes.
So. Many. Endings.

I could feel the goddess Kali by my side, her rows of skulls clinking behind me.
She was there to teach me.
About loss.
About grief.
About sorrow.
About being stripped bare.
And staying in that uncomfortable place for a while.

In the gooey state between the caterpillar and the butterfly.
In the in between state of the egg cracking and the chick emerging, new and fragile.

And I stayed.
And I waited.
For the time to pass.
For the processing to happen.
And I did pretty much nothing about that.
I just let it happen.

And then I got the urge to move.
So last week I booked myself into the spa.
For a time of rebirth.
I created the ritual space for myself.
I created the ritual time for myself.
I used a classic spa day to give myself the space, the experience for rebirth, for a rejuvenation of my dreams and goals, of my body, of my mind, of my soul.

And before you start imagining that what I did had anything to do with actual planning, let me be specific.
I did nothing.
I just floated in warm water.
I didn't write anything or read anything. I didn't take my computer. I didn't even turn on my phone, and thus, there are no pictures …

I just went and soaked. Eyes closed in the dark.
And experienced the magic of being, the magic of allowing what is.
And gave myself permission to enjoy. And cry. And feel. Or not.
Just being in my being.

That is what ritual is all about. Being. Not so much about the doing.
And that changes everything.
Creating rituals is one of the things I do for myself, and my clients.
Because rituals are how we celebrate change, how we acknowledge the evolutions of ourselves, the next steps, the new phases we walk in…
And so often we forget to take that time.
But ritual is essential for growth.
And it can be so easy and joyful.
It doesn't have to be complicated, expensive or time-consuming…
It doesn't have to include incense, mantras or channeling Archangels or Goddesses (although all that is really fun!!)
Ritual is taking time out of the mundane to process and celebrate change and growth.
Ritual is also a decision to acknowledge a transformation and give yourself permission to become…

And allowing the inbetween... the gooey process is what changes everything.
Often the Universe shows us a gateway to another version of ourselves.
But there is this inbetween phase.
This hugely uncomfortable state.
We cannot skip that.
There is no such thing as a quantum immediate stepping into transformation.
We need to stay in the gooey state for as long as it takes for our mind, soul and buddy to catch up with the new iteration of ourselves.
And just being in total acceptance of who we are, what we are, at that moment in that inbetween.

And then .. Subtly or suddenly…
We are ready to fly.

And again we might need permission and allowing. Because it might be difficult to accept that we have changed, that this new enhanced variety of us has arrived, that we are past the threshold, the crossroads, the gooey state... and into the sunlight.
As a new person.

Yet sometimes the “hardships” life is a self-fulfilling prophecy, a place we actually like dwelling in. The hard work story is sometimes difficult to let go of.

If you desire help in those processes of change, rituals and allowing, in letting go of your past and fully stepping into your present, and into Radical Responsibility towards yourself, Absolute Self-Love. If you're ready to invest in yourself … I’ve got several spots for 1:1 coaching!
Let's connect in a free Dare to Shine discovery call and see if we could work together!

So much for today …
I would be so happy to hear from you about all that. Thank you in advance for your comment.
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.


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