February 29


I hear you Universe …

By IsayaBelle

February 29, 2024

lifestory, meaning, pause, stop, transition

And now I have to stop.
Because the more I seem to move and plan and decide and organize… the more I am sent back to the drawing board of life with cancellations, obstacles and generally things not going the way they’re supposed to, the way I wanted them to go.
So that's it.
Stop, Isaya, stop trying.
OMGoddess what?
But trying is the only thing I know how to do.
Trying this, and that, and more… to really no avail recently, as you may remember.
Stop trying?
But then nothing is going to happen, right?

Angels and Goddesses and Universe, please help.
The fear is ginormous.
Do nothing...
Don’t move.
Just sit here and wait until things settle, until things sort themselves out.
It’s simply terrifying.

Whatever, however, whenever, the one sure thing was my capacity to act, to decide, to take action, to get going.
It has always given me the feeling of mastery, of control over the circumstances, the events, the people (??) …
In any given difficult situation, I would assess, analyse, then plan the steps and take action.

So what are you telling me here Universe, with the series of difficulties, cancellations, disruptions and postponings?
You are thumbing your nose at my best laid plans, and making a mockery of my strategies.
There must be a message, a lesson in that.
Because I know you Universe, you are me, and I am you.
So what are you telling me?

I don’t know.
I freaking don’t know.
OMGoddess the terror of not knowing.

And let me tell you, dear reader, about my 2024 Vision Board, so you get to laugh a little more with me…
I do Intuitive Vision Boarding… (I actually teach that too, if you’re interested…) which means I do not "decide" what goes on there, I allow for my intuition to guide me and for my right brain to take over (usually, as you read above, rather a left-brain gal here!!)
And what is at the center of the 2024 edition?
An image of a galaxy with the word "not knowing".

How did I not see that coming?
I asked for it!!
Well… maybe not to that extent though.

Yet here I am.
Not knowing.
And insistently asked to stop.
Repeatedly invited to pause.
Obstinately summoned to wait.

Even as plan crumbled I tried to find alternative solutions and guess what…
The alternatives crumbled too.

So voilà.
I’m surrendering.
I’ll stop.
I’ll wait.
I’ll pause.

I’ll face the fear of not being in control, of not having a plan, a backup plan and an escape plan for just in case.
I’ll sit here.
And write.
And allow for whatever needs to be happening outside of my control to happen.
And abandon expectations, the idea of making progress, of making an effort, any idea of making altogether.
I’ll hold my frightened inner child and let her know that we’ll be alright, even without any control whatsoever, without any idea of where we’re going.
Since we’re not going anywhere anyway.
For now.
We’ll sit.
No moving. No doing. No deciding. No planning. No acting. No attempting. Not even trying. 

I will be gentle with myself.
I will be tender with myself.
I will be easy on myself.
For a change.

And I will definitely not use any harsh vocabulary to describe any of my products, my moves, my ideas, my life or my business. No fight, no combat, no taking pains to, no executing, no pursuing, no strategy, no challenge, no battle, no war.
No working. (sorry what???)

Not even starting. This might be a new beginning.
But it will show no sudden movements, no sharp decisions, no hard edges.

Just resting.
Sitting still.
Biding my time.
Abandoning effort.
Letting go.
Cease the fighting with myself.
Staying with the discomfort of not doing, if there is one.
And waiting.

Until when will you wait, Isaya?
Until it’s time.
Until I know that I’m ready.
Ready to trust fully.
Me. The Universe. Both.
Without holding anything back.
Diving into faith.
And beginning a new journey, fresh and confident like the Fool from the Tarot Deck.

For now, nothing.
I feel like a jar full of muddy water that has been stirred one too many times.
No clarity.
All murky and confused.
I need to settle.
And trust that soon enough, everything will be crystal clear, translucent and bright again.
That I will know.
What to do, where to go, how to proceed.

For now I push pause.
I need time.
And silence.
To hear my inner voice, my intuition that I have been denying for so long.
The tiny inner voice, not the voice of reason, not the voice of doom, not the vox populi (the voice of the people)…
Maybe the voice of an angel will help...

I need to take time for introspection and self-reflection. What do I truly desire? What are my instincts telling me?
I need to trust my feelings, to trust my gut and become trustworthy to myself. I need to remember that I am worthy of love and respect, especially from myself.

And breathe…

So much for today ...
I would be so happy to hear from you about all that.
Thank you in advance for your comment.
See you soon, for my next adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.

  • Oh, the scary time of not knowing! This is the story of my life, a logical person trying to follow an illogical Soul path :D. It was a long internal journey to accept (and even enjoy) the not-knowing periods. For this year, my words are Surrender&Trust (and I´m forgetting about that constantly and pushing myself into the work I think I should be doing and freaking out when it doesn´t work :D). You´re not alone in this 😀

  • I hear you, Isaya!! I feel your pain and applaud your reframing. There is a mantra I’ve used a LOT over the years (that goes with a handwriting practice from Vimala Rodgers): “I let go of the need to control; Divine Grace fuels my life.” And there’s a song by Carrie Newcomer called “Learning to Sit Without Knowing” from her album The Point of Arrival (you can find it on YouTube). May the goddesses of patience and maybe mirth send you many blessings as you await whatever comes next. 🙂

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