So …
Last post published was September 23rd.
Then I vanished from the internet … No blog posts, no newsletter, no social media … or so little.
What happened ?
Life happened. Life threatening life happened.
On September 29th, my husband was rushed to the ER, with what was later discovered to be legionnaire’s disease, a severe lung infection, life threatening for people with weakened immune system, aka my husband.
Two days later, after no improvement whatsoever, he was put in an artificial coma … and a life-support system breathed for him for … two weeks. And every day the doctors said “we don’t know if he’ll live … we’re doing our best…you’ll have to wait and see.”
On October 15th, he was extubated and started breathing on his own again …
Since then, it has gone upwards … ever so slowly.
He is still in hospital and will need a long rehabilitation and physiotherapy but he is alive. We still don’t know how much he will recover.
So … that happened to him.
Me ?
I stopped. I ceased to function. I waited. I stood still. I tried to sleep.
And at the same time, my mind was racing, imagining all possible outcomes, good ones, bad ones, terrible ones, happy endings.
To stop the race and the anxiety, there was only Netflix. And I did overdose on it at times. (Poldark, I love you, omg!)
I was (and still am…) exhausted. And I’ve had to learn REAL self-love and self-care very fast. Because if I hadn’t taken care of myself … How could I have continued to be there for my kids, for the huge house we live in (in the middle of nowhere !) that is a BandB … and to just breathe myself… you do remember I was barely out of my own surgery at the beginning of all that …
So I did. I took care of myself first. And I asked for help. I called my mum, who jumped on a plane and has been here since and who I am so grateful to.
And we organised a life for those not in the hospital, a sheltered and soft life to help us cope with the horrors of the hospital, with good healthy food, a clean, comfortable and heated house, and lots of talks ad hugs and cups of tea.
And lost of crying.
But nothing is finished. Nothing is even close to ending.
As a matter of fact, nothing has started.
Because the ONE thing that IÂ have been repeating to myself all through this corridor to hell and back is that:
I AM NOT GOING BACK ON TRACK.
Whatever happens, whoever lives or dies … EVERYTHING in my life must change.
Why ?
Because this event is like the tip of my personal iceberg. It has shed light on everything that was not functioning in my life and my relationships, everything that made me unhappy and that I did not want to see or deal with. I was like the frog in the lukewarm water …
You know the parable, don’t you ?
If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will hop right out. But if you put that frog in a pot of tepid water and slowly warm it, the frog doesn’t figure out what going on until it’s too late. Boiled frog.
Well, that frog … was me.
In most aspects of my relationships. Always putting everybody else first, never loving me enough …
Today…
Today is the first day of another relationship to myself, one that is not abusive, one where I come first, always, however badly other people “need” me or guilt trip me in order to have their needs taken care of.
Today is the first day of a new life, one where I choose enthusiasm over insensibility, joy and love over unconcern and coolness, one where I am NOT staying in tepid water … one where I will NOT accept anything less than love, gratitude and full acceptance, both from others and from myself.
And by the way … I’m done waiting and seeing.
The best time of my life is NOW.
If anything in my life is not “good enough” … I’m going to jump out of that pot and make a run for it.
And be happy. NOW. No waiting, seeing, hoping and dreaming of better times.
The best time of my life is NOW. Because I love myself enough to make it happen for myself.
Do you ?
Now I do hope one my tracks, ie writing on this blog every Saturday will endure … Because I’m loving it !
So I’ll see you lovely people next week.
In the meantime, I’m sending, as always, love, light and gratitude
Isaya