I’m now 57 and I thought I would add an episode to my menopause story, seeing as 2024 has been bringing a lot of changes.
You can read episode 1, which I wrote 3 years ago, here:https://isayabelle.com/the-toomuch-womans-tale-of-menopause
So…
If you’ve followed the discombobulations of my life, you know that I have cancer in my kidney. Now you might not know about the way it got discovered.
I had been bleeding. For over a year. Regularly. Almost like a period.
Yes, from my uterus.
And then I began bleeding most of the month.
Not a lot. But still. Too much not to care.
Problem is I was supposed to be in menopause.
So, following a harsh reminder about untreated, undiagnosed illnesses leading to death, I decided to get a medical opinion.
The various exams and scans, and blood work and OB/GYN appointments...brought back… nothing on the gynecological front. (they did show the kidney cancer though, and you can read more about that here: https://isayabelle.com/so-ive-got-cancer)
So. No uterus cancer. No gynecological cancer at all in fact. The explanation is that I have polyps in my uterus (that need removing, I’m undergoing that surgery soon too) which are bleeding, more of less, from time to time.
OK. Fine.
Now the OB/GYN, a lovely lady, began by lecturing me for not coming earlier and not taking a very good care of my "female" parts, as I had had no mammogram or pap smears for years. It made me think.
Me, a woman specializing in talking about the 4 basic feminine archetypes, working with women 24/7, teaching the menstrual cycle as a fundamental way to understand one’s self as a woman, even going as far as running my business around the menstrual cycle…
And I neglected the most elementary OB/GYN medical check ups?
Why?
I can go and pretend it is because getting an OB/GYN appointment where I live is long and complicated, or that I am in such close contact with my body that I knew nothing really bad was happening (which is partly true), but the harsh truth is … I was scared.
Deep down, I was scared to hear the words that the OB/GYN said next.
After I explained my menstrual history and my "menopause", she said, upon examining my ultrasound:
"Oh, no you are in full menopause, your ovaries are completely shrunk."
Sounded like a death sentence.
Like I was already dead.
Like I was told "you’re useless".
Maybe all this give and take dance I had been playing with menopause only meant that.
I was not ready to accept not being fertile any more.
Now for a little back story…
A few years ago (like 18 years ago, OMGoddess time flies!!) when hubby and myself were in full agreement that we did not want any other children, he went to see a urologist to have a vasectomy. He came back pretty confident that this was an easy solution and ready to commit.
I freaked out.
It felt like we would be killing all those babies (that I still did not want to birth or raise, mind you!!). It felt like a death sentence to my motherhood.
Like menopause.
And I convinced hubby not not do it. We went back to a different birth contrail and did not have any other kids. But my mind and my heart were OK with that.
What freaked me out was the " killing the possibilities".
Fast forward those 18 years and now you might get why I was "resisting menopause" (and in episode 1 of this story, I narrate how clever and efficient my body was at resisting!).
But voilà. The words had been said.
I am in full menopause.
Not in peri-menopause.
Not heading towards infertility.
I am here.
And OMGoddess I’m still not sure I like it.
Meeting Baba Yaga in the woods through a session with my mentor helped me come to terms with both my wild woman and my Crone.
In case you don’t know who Baba Yaga is… Here’s a Wikipedia definition:
"Baba Yaga is an enigmatic or ambiguous character from Slavic folklore who has two opposite roles. In some motifs she is described as a repulsive or ferocious-looking old woman who fries and eats children, while in others she is a nice old woman who helps out the hero."
I personally prefer the words of Amy Sophia Marashinky, in her Goddess Oracle:
" Baba Yaga is a Slavic birth-death wild Goddess who rod about in a mortar… Her ways were fierce and wild, deep and penetrating and could be interpreted as grinding away what was extraneous... Her time of death was autumn for she was the life force present in harvested grain."
"Grinding away what is extraneous"… Now that makes sense. And so timely, right, as we are in autumn.
I wrote previously about letting go of the Maiden and Mother Archetypes as dominant in my life (https://isayabelle.com/seasons-of-change-facing-the-resisting-maiden-and-mother)
I’m not yet ready to let go of the Enchantress tough.
And that is OK.
But I know, now, from a scientific point of view, that the Crone is taking the lead of me.
It might explain why both New York and London felt more noisy, crowded and busy to this time around. And not in a good way.
This is it. The last part of my life is beginning.
It doesn’t have to be sad or short.
But it will be the last.
Time IS running out. I feel like a lot of my past is "disappearing", being less and less relevant. Kind of a hard felling, let me tell you. But I am all for acknowledging all of my feelings and emotions… Working with the shadows might well be the one of the things the Enchantress and Crone in me know best. I’m ready for that part too.
As my mentor Miranda Gray reminds me:
"It is important to celebrate our transition into the ‘menotelos’ stage of life. Menotelos, which begins ten years after the last menstrual cycle, will profoundly affected each and every one of us."
The word menotelos, of Greek origin, literally means end of menstruation. Not pause. End. Final end.
And while I might not be there yet, I am walking towards it…
One weekend last September, I decluttered my wardrobe (finally!!) and let go of more than 70% of my clothes.
It felt easy. These clothes belonged to a woman who doesn’t exist any more.
I am not this woman today. And letting go of her clothes was liberating and cathartic.
Just like letting go of the cancer and it’s metaphoric meaning for me.
Letting go of all that is already dead and shrunk.
And stay here. Bare, naked and hopeful. Unsure, beautiful and vulnerable.
And wait. Until the new me is born.
Because the question arises: who am I then? Who am I now?
Well…
I don't know.
Yet.
One thing I know is that this metamorphosis will take some time.
So becoming that my body also gave me a healing opportunity in 2024, isn’t it?
What I do know is that this time in my life is about really welcoming the Wise Woman, the Crone, not just the idea of her, but Her in all Her glory and misery, all her amazingness and flaws…
Like accepting the changes in my body, the weight that might be here to stay if She needs it, the hair that grows in weird places (Bearded Woman This is me! Yes, the reference is intended!), the lowered dynamism that I feel, the softness of the skin and muscles, the wrinkles and blemishes on my face. Accepting that my usual method of "pushing through" ailments is not going to cut it any more.
Also, what is this cry baby I am morphing into???
It’s not about giving up though, it’s about remembering that I’m not dying, that there is a life after menopause! And slowly finding my way to this new life and receiving the changes happening with grace.
Menopause is a portal… or rather a bridge between who I was and who I’m becoming. The bridge is long as I need time to adjust and get to know myself all over again.
Menopause is an initiation and it calls for time and celebration. I look forward to entering this new stage of my life as I move towards full acceptance of it, as I open up to more intuition and inner knowledge, to even more mystery, spirit and magic!
I will keep you posted about my evolution, of course. Because I know you’re nosy, first, but mostly because one of the big things about menopause, even more about menotelos, is the invisibility zone we enter in as Crone in our western culture.
We all know that we live in a society that favours youthfulness in any way, shape or form and generates inherent ageism. It is the story we are told, repeatedly. It is not one I want to live into or give in. I am not ready to quietly vanish in the shadows of time and begin knitting my life away in from the TV like a granny (no offence to knitters or grannies!). I will not disappear or shrink into a limited version of myself just because I’m getting older. I still have a lot of life, energy, and ambitions left.
So much for today …
I would be so happy to hear from you about all that. Thank you in advance for your comment.
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.
Isaya