"More than an inner critic, a self-abuser." The words echoed in her mind, a sudden realization… She had been living and dancing to a never-ending drumbeat of self-condemnation. She'd always considered herself tough, resilient in the face of external judgment. But the adversary within, the unrelenting voice that criticized every move, every decision, was far more damaging than any external force. The self-abuser was a constant presence, a harsh judge and a merciless jury all rolled into one, a nagging voice that constantly questioned her worth, competence, and every decision she made.
One fine morning, out of the blue, she grasped that she was dealing with a relentless foe within herself - the self-abuser. Unlike the occasional inner critic, this internal adversary was a constant, merciless presence. It thrived on self-doubt, feeding off insecurities and past experiences to perpetuate a cycle of self-criticism.
It wasn't just critique; it was a harsh, ceaseless barrage of insults, an incessant barrage of tiny criticisms and huge internal hurtful remarks that chipped away at her confidence. The more she strived for perfection, the louder this voice became, finding fault in the smallest of details. It wasn’t merely self-criticism; it was self-inflicted torment, an emotional flogging that left her soul bruised and battered.
This internal antagonist thrived on her every doubt and insecurity, feeding off her moments of vulnerability. It berated her for her perceived flaws, past mistakes, and perceived shortcomings, eroding her self-esteem. It was as if she had created a personal demon, tailor-made to torment her. It persistently questioned her worth, abilities, and decisions. Its impact extended deep in every corner of her soul, echoing in every aspect of her life.
She did wonder about the genesis of this brutal self-abuse. Was it the remnants of past failures or an amalgamation of society's impossible standards? Or perhaps, a potent blend of both, weaving a tangled web of insecurities and self-doubt.
Her relationships, work, and ambitions all fell victim to this internal assailant. It created a barrier that made her hesitate, question, and sometimes retract when she should have leaped forward. She recognized the irony — while she aimed for greatness, this relentless inner foe stifled every chance of success.
However, within this turmoil, a flicker of defiance emerged. A quiet voice, almost drowned by the cacophony of self-abuse, whispered, "Enough." A tiny spark of rebellion against the tyranny of self-doubt. Recognizing this self-inflicted torment, having a clear view of the harm she was inflicting herself was the initial step toward silencing this unabated voice. The first step in a long, arduous journey toward self-compassion, a quest to silence the self-abuser and instead embrace self-kindness.
By questioning the validity of its criticisms and offering herself the same compassion and understanding she’d give to a friend, she began to disarm this self-inflicted tormentor. Understanding that the self-abuser wasn't a true reflection of her potential was crucial. A lot of reading and thinking and studying and self-observation led her to finally get that it was a construct of fears and past experiences, a fabrication that she could dismantle. Slowly, she began to question the validity of these relentless criticisms and dared to dip her feet in self-compassion.
In this pursuit, she understood that she held the power to transform the self-abuser into a supportive force, guiding her to become the best version of herself, to liberate herself from the shackles of self-abuse. Replacing self-abuse with self-compassion allowed her to nurture her self-esteem and embrace her growth journey with kindness and acceptance.
She embarked on a journey of self-nurturing and acceptance. It was counter intuitive and felt so weird in the beginning. She chose to implement minuscule changes, as if to not disturb or warn the self-abuser that her reign was over. She looked at herself in the mirror while brushing her teeth … and forced a smile. She wrote "I love you" on a post-it note and attached it to the fridge. She made her bed every morning and internally congratulated herself for that. She did her best to consciously yet inconspicuously change some little things… hoping to catch the self-abuser off-guard
And it worked. Because she was just as relentless at keeping up those new habits as she had been before at self-criticism. She made self-care her new priority, both in actions and in thoughts. She forbid herself from finishing her inner sentences if they were critical, she reframed each and every one of them that she could "catch"…
She sought solace in the embrace of her strengths rather than a relentless focus on her perceived flaws. It was a battle fought every day, a struggle to reframe her thoughts, to be kinder to herself, to treat herself as she would a dear friend. She had to muster all of her will power, as well as all of her awareness and attention because the self-abuser had been there for so long and was so subtly mean that she was often almost unaware of the vicious little inner comments.
She was determined to become her own champion, her own benefactress, her own supporter, to pivot from her obsolete limiting beliefs and blocks and once and for all change into her own protecting angel. It took dedication and effort, but the path to self-compassion and self-love was worth the journey.
In time, the harsh echoes of self-abuse began to fade. Not entirely gone, but diminished, no longer the deafening roar they once were. Each step toward self-compassion became a victory, a testament to her resilience and determination to silence the self-abuser within.
The journey was ongoing, but the realization that she was more than the sum of her flaws, more than the criticisms that plagued her, began to take root. She had to remain aware though and alert because the old self-abuser could literally stifle the blossoming self-acceptance and kindness she was cultivating within herself.
She was on her way.
On her way to transform her inner critic into a supportive, encouraging force that would help her become the best versions of herself. She knew it may take time and consistency, but the journey towards self-compassion and self-love was a worthy one, helping her break free from the chains of self-abuse.On her way to finally to back herself up
On her way to embrace absolute self-love and stop betraying herself every chance she got.
And she intended for that way to be paved with joy.
I believe that is all for today.
I would be so happy to hear from you.
Thank you in advance for your comment.
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.
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