Food, Weight, Emotions and Sensitivity

The healing journey I am on is one of many meanders and surprise discoveries. This is one of these meanders. Or maybe it’s the main path. As you might remember, I have cancer in my kidney. I have also discovered that I have "latent tuberculosis" and am getting strong antibiotics to get rid of it before my kidney surgery in September. About that I have seen a pulmonologist.

He said something when we were discussing the sleep apnea and the reasons for it (if you’re lost, you have not read that article:https://isayabelle.com/and-breathe-isaya-breathe). He said: you are a very sensitive person and to protect yourself you have enveloped in fat.

Sorry what?

For some reason, it hit home. So hard.

I might have heard or read about it before. And yes, I get that, I’m 57 years old, I have been overweight most of my life and I have been focusing on self-improvement for more than two decades. So it’s not brand new information, thank you.

And yet.

It hit home.

Because it is a slightly different issue or situation that he refers too.

It’s not the famous "you’re eating your emotions" which I have investigated before extensively. I know that one well. Not that I have "solved" that puzzle, mind you.

But hey. Food and weight. They are two different issues. For me, I know that the happier I ma, the less I eat. So I usually loose weight easily when I’m in love for instance, without doing too much about it. And yet it is also true that I tend to overeat when I’m with friends and having a great time at the dinner table, so go figure.

Now weight is a different issue altogether.

When I brainwashed myself into becoming a non-smoker again after 35 years of being a smoker, I believed I could brainwash myself to do anything (you can read more about that here:https://isayabelle.com/so-i-finally-wrote-it-how-i-became-a-non-smoker-the-easy-mindset-way). I tried to apply the same methods to loose the weight that I feel is burdening me.

Epic fail.

Why? Let’s figure it out.

The pulmonologist did not refer to the idea that fat can be emotions trapped in the body, emotions that I was unable to address, express or release, nor to the vicious cycle of trapped emotions, overeating, and weight gain, which I have investigated, only to understand that it does not apply to me enough, that I can’t solve my weight issues with that only.

I know that to let go of trapped emotions and the physical weight that often accompanies them, you need to develop two key emotion-regulating skills: emotional awareness (understanding what you're feeling, when, and why) and emotional tolerance (the ability to experience negative emotions without being overwhelmed by them).

Which has been my journey for the last 20 years. And without too much pride, I can say, I’m there now.

And still overweight.

I found some very well summed up information about these issues here:

https://karidahlgren.net/trapped-emotions-and-weight-gain/

So the idea that fat is actually serving me, that this weight is protecting me does come as a revelation.

Why? Because I do not identify as a "highly sensitive" person.

I am overweight and quite strong, both physically and mentally. I do not see myself as delicate, easily hurt or offended, someone who experiences the world with heightened awareness and sensitivity to even subtle stimuli.

Actually I might even be resisting that idea altogether. I never wanted to be that fragile, touchy, easily injured, hurt or broken flower. I am a feminist and a strong empowered woman.

Can you see how those 2 self-definitions clashed and I rejected my sensitivity altogether as a weakness? And yes, I know it was a misconception and a self-judgment, I’m not saying I was right in any way, I’m just explaining.

Now when I begin investigating my past, what do I find?

A people pleaser and a hiding sensitive person.

Story time: my father barely agreed to me being born as a favour to my mum who wanted kids. He thought kids would ruin his life and compromise his freedom. I constantly had to make myself lovable and people please both him and my mum who was "nice enough" to love me.

I learnt that people pleasing was the only way to survive and get some attention.

I now understand that, as a highly sensitive person, I knew he didn’t really love me. As I knew that some other important people in my life didn’t or don’t love me. And I eat to hide that from myself, to compensate for that lack of received love.

And then the fat creates that nice protective soft armour between me and the others, between me and their indifference, or worse, their hatred (because yes, of course, I was bullied in some way and another as a young girl, either because of that weight or because of my intelligence).

Before you go on and tell me that self-love is the only important love and the only cure for that, let me repeat. I am not justifying, I am explaining. I know all of that on an intellectual level (my intelligence, remember?) but this knowledge seems to not have penetrated my heart, my soul, my body.

This is not about knowledge. And maybe it’s also about time.

As we only teach what we need to learn, I actually created a Goddess Self-Care Oracle Deck to help myself and hopefully you to practice self-care and self-love more (you can find it here:https://isayabelle.com/goddess-self-care-oracle-sp)

So as a child, I learnt that I had to be strong and survive, not a "weakling sensitive crybaby." I also understand now that the fact that I am blessed with a very good memory means that I also never forget an injury or an insult. So if I don’t go to great lengths to actually forgive and forget… I don’t. And the weight stays to protect me again from the pain.

I have tried countless times to forgive and forget others and myself.

To no avail as for the weight issues. Understanding all that in an intellectual way is useless for me. Trying to change by losing, letting go and forgetting… has proved inefficient.

Why?

Because it is about taking things away, more things away, about having less of… which is the issue itself!!

The pulmonologist’s idea opened up a different way out.

How can I protect myself differently? What can I add to my protective shield to not need food and aft and weight any more?

At this minute… no clue.

But ChatGPT might have ideas. So I asked. Here’s what came back.

Practical Steps to Embrace Sensitivity and Release the Weight

Explore Your Sensitivity:

Begin by embracing the idea that sensitivity is not a weakness but a strength. Sensitivity allows you to connect deeply with others and with your own emotions. Reflect on how your sensitivity has served you in the past—perhaps it has given you intuition, empathy, or creativity. Reframe your narrative from one of weakness to one of strength.

Create Emotional Boundaries:

Instead of using physical weight as a barrier, work on setting emotional boundaries. Practice saying "no" when needed, and allow yourself to step back from situations or relationships that drain you. Learn to recognize when you are taking on other people's emotions and make a conscious decision to protect your own energy.

Nourish Your Body and Soul:

Shift the focus from deprivation (dieting, losing weight) to nourishment. What can you add to your life that would make you feel more loved, secure, and protected? This might include engaging in hobbies that bring you joy, surrounding yourself with supportive people, or indulging in self-care practices like meditation, massage, or spending time in nature.

Practice Mindful Eating:

Mindful eating is about being present with your food and your body’s hunger signals. It’s not about restricting what you eat but being aware of why you are eating. Are you hungry, or are you trying to soothe an emotion? By becoming more mindful, you can start to separate the need for food from the need for emotional comfort.

Engage in Gentle Movement:

Exercise doesn't have to be about losing weight; it can be about celebrating what your body can do. Find a form of movement that you enjoy and that makes you feel good—whether it's dancing, yoga, swimming, or simply walking. Let movement be a form of self-expression and self-love, rather than a chore aimed at weight loss.

Cultivate Forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not about excusing the harm done to you but about releasing the hold that past hurts have on you. This can be a gradual process, but you might start by journaling about your feelings, practising loving-kindness meditation, or seeking professional support through therapy or counselling. The goal is to release the emotional weight you've been carrying, which might also help you release physical weight.

Connect with Your Inner Child:

Revisit the part of you that felt the need to please others to survive. Engage in inner child work by offering that younger version of yourself the love, protection, and validation they lacked. This might involve guided meditations, visualization exercises, or simply writing letters to your younger self.

Celebrate Your Progress:

Acknowledge the progress you’ve made in understanding yourself and your relationship with food, emotions, and your body. Celebrate small victories, and remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. Embrace your sensitivity, and allow it to guide you toward a healthier, more compassionate relationship with yourself.

By adding layers of emotional resilience and self-compassion, you can begin to peel back the physical layers you’ve used for protection. This isn't about losing weight; it's about gaining a deeper connection with yourself, where you no longer need the weight to feel safe.

By adding layers of emotional resilience and self-compassion, you can begin to peel back the physical layers you’ve used for protection. This isn't about losing weight; it's about gaining a deeper connection with yourself, where you no longer need the weight to feel safe.

Voilà. Who said AI is stupid?

I validate those steps 100%. Some I have done already, some I am on my way, some others I am inspired to start implementing. I’ll keep you posted!

I would be so happy to hear from you about all that. Thank you in advance for your comment.

So much for today …

See you soon, for my next online adventures!

Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.

Isaya