I’ve been in recovery post cancer surgery.
As stated previously, this is a time of reflection, pause and rebirth for me, as I contemplate my future steps in life and business.
I have been feeling better, slowly, and day after day I feel the urge to do… less and less of the hustling.
I feel that life has granted me a pause.
I sense that this pause is fundamental to my happiness and fulfilment.
And while I pause the doing…
The pondering, meditating and musing is going on full throttle.
I’ve been thinking. A lot. In the background.
While my body recovers and little by little mends and heals and gets back in shape, I’ve been feeling like a new person is getting birthed, "below" the surface.
I can feel how I need to acknowledge the need for self-love and grace during this transformative period.
And rest.
So much rest.
By the way, I wanted to remind you (and myself!!) that resting is a radical act of self-love in a world that glorifies exhaustion as an achievement…
Anyway…
Most of my musings have been around Success and Failure.
What they mean, to me, to the world in general…
And of course, I mean my world, Western civilization… which generally refers to the cultural, social, political, and economic systems that developed primarily in Europe and later expanded to other regions, influenced by principles from ancient Greece and Rome, Judeo-Christian ethics, the Renaissance, the Enlightenment, and democratic ideals.
I have no pretensions to understanding or philosophising about the world in general, which is far too vast and complex. I'm speaking from my biased point of view, the only one I can fully assume and understand, prejudices included.
So, once again, I’ve made up my mind to write a series of posts about that…
Success. And Failure.
Through the small end of my spyglass… From my very narrow perspective.
Which is the only one I have.
Title of the series: Beyond the Metrics: Finding Fulfilment and Freedom in Failure and Reinvention
And, as usual, I believe my reflections might come in handy for you too… Let me know.
This exploration of success and failure will be shared in four parts,all through December. The third article is about Redefining Failure.
Failure isn’t just a word—it’s a feeling, a weight that clings to my chest and whispers all the ways I’ve fallen short.
It’s the email I dread opening because it’s another bill I can’t pay. It’s the restless nights wondering why the endless hours I’ve poured into my business haven’t translated into even basic financial stability. In 2023, my business brought in less than €6,000, even though I worked full-time. By any metric, that’s a loss.
So for a while, I let these feelings dictate my actions. I tried to hustle my way out of failure. If I just worked a little longer, tried a little harder, maybe the income would follow. Maybe the recognition would come. But instead, I just ended up more tired, more overwhelmed, and more deeply entrenched in the belief that my worth was tied to my output. Which, spoiler alert, is the worst possible trap you can fall into.
I began to understand that failure, guilt, and fear are not separate, isolated feelings. They form a kind of emotional *trifecta*—one that feeds off each other, growing stronger the more you try to outrun it. Fear of failure makes you want to work harder, harder, harder until you’re completely burnt out and physically exhausted. That exhaustion only adds to the guilt, which convinces you you’re not doing enough. And the guilt feeds the fear, which convinces you that you’re not enough. You’re trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-doubt and self-blame, while the world keeps moving on.
As you might remember, in 2024… My business wasn’t quite the success I’d planned and hoped either… as I was diagnosed with cancer. Somehow, I had to find the courage to give myself permission to step back—to stop, to rest, and most importantly, to release myself from the need to prove anything to anyone, including myself.
My "cancer year" was a whirlwind of fear, resilience, and rediscovery. It began with an unexpected diagnosis, coupled with other health complications: kidney cancer, the kind that isn’t fast or overly aggressive but still forces you to confront your mortality. In an instant, my world shifted—doctors’ appointments, tests, and surgeries took center stage, while I learned to navigate the raw vulnerability that comes with saying, "I’ve got cancer."
Yet, amidst the fear and uncertainty, I chose to lean into authenticity, sharing my journey not from a place of "everything’s fine," but from the messy middle of it all. I embraced a holistic healing approach, combining modern medicine, lifestyle changes, mindset work, and a deep commitment to self-love and rest. This year taught me to prioritize myself unapologetically, embrace every tool available—medical, alternative, emotional—and live with a deeper sense of purpose. My healing wasn’t just about my body; it was about reclaiming my right to rest, receive support, and live a Goddess Life, undeterred.
This journey has transformed me, teaching me to prioritize joy, gratitude, and authenticity while stepping gently into the next chapter of my life. Healing, I’ve realized, is not a race but a process, and I’m learning to honor every step of it.
And of course, success or failure, it’s more than numbers—it feels like a verdict. Failure comes with guilt: guilt for not meeting my own expectations, for disappointing the people who believe in me, and for questioning if I’m just not cut out for the dream I’ve been chasing. There’s a fear, too, that creeps into the cracks and takes root—a fear of failing again. It’s the kind of fear that makes me overcompensate, hustling harder in a desperate attempt to outrun the shame. But instead of success, it creates a vicious cycle of burnout, with failure lurking just around the corner.
What I’ve learned—begrudgingly and painfully—is that fear is failure’s accomplice. It doesn’t just paralyze me; it primes me for more of the same. So, here I am, sitting in the discomfort of acknowledging failure in all its messy glory. But maybe, just maybe, facing it head-on is the first step toward breaking free.
Acknowledging Failure and Its Impact
When I look back at the business in 2023, it stings. Less than €6,000 in revenue. That’s it. After a full year of working full-time, pouring my heart and soul into what I thought would finally bring the success I’d dreamed of. I felt like I was failing—not just as a business owner, but as a person. How could I have let this happen? How could I have gotten it so wrong? I still remember those moments of dread as the bills piled up, knowing my business wasn’t covering its own costs. It felt like my work, my efforts, weren’t enough—not even close.
The guilt was suffocating. Guilt for falling short, for not meeting my expectations or the ones I imagined others had of me. Guilt for not succeeding the way I thought I should. But here’s the thing: This guilt isn’t mine to carry. It’s something I’ve been conditioned to feel. The weight of societal expectations, the false narrative that if we just work harder, longer, faster, we will always get results. The problem with that mindset is that it feeds the fear of failure—a fear that had become my constant companion.
That fear drove me to hustle harder, to grind until I feel like there’s nothing left. And yet, it was this very hustle that kept me stuck. It’s the toxic cycle of pushing, pushing, and pushing some more, thinking I’ll somehow force success to happen. The reality? Fear itself is a huge part of why I’ve been spinning my wheels. Fear that I’m not good enough, fear that if I don’t “make it” soon, I’ll be left behind. It’s fear that kept me in a constant state of exhaustion and burnout.
So, what happened when I was so busy running from failure? I missed the truth. That failure, in all its ugly glory, is not something to fear, but something to understand and accept. Failure is an invitation to learn, to grow, to change course. It’s not the end, but a beginning of something new—if I allow myself to embrace it.
And the first step is acknowledging it. Acknowledging that fear and guilt have held me back, and that it’s time to break free from the shackles of both. Only then can I step into a new version of success—not defined by revenue, not by societal expectations, but by how I show up for myself, how I choose to create, and how I choose to live.
Reflections on Success and Obsession with Validation
Society has this neat little formula for success: big numbers, lots of zeroes, and a constant stream of “hustle until you drop” advice. You know the type: €10K a month, your dream lifestyle, shiny cars, and exotic vacations. If you’re not hitting those numbers, are you really succeeding? It’s hard not to get caught up in that narrative. I see others in the game hitting these “magic” milestones, and I wonder why I’m still struggling to break even. It’s like there’s a time bomb ticking, the closer I get to 60years old. The pressure to achieve something “big” before it’s “too late” feels heavier with each passing day.
But here’s the thing. The more I chase after these big, unattainable goals, the more I feel my anxiety grow. It’s as if these large, looming targets shrink my motivation, making me feel like I’m running a race I’ll never finish. And even worse, I start to question whether I even want to reach those milestones. Maybe it’s not about hitting €10K a month, or any other arbitrary number. Maybe it's about something deeper, something more sustainable.
I’ve struggled with the idea of big goals, mainly because they seem out of my reach. The pressure of reaching a goal that feels like it’s always just a little beyond my grasp is paralyzing. Yet, at the same time, I know I can’t just abandon goals altogether. The key, for me, is in rethinking success—not as an abstract, elusive destination, but as a journey. A collection of small, meaningful steps forward, not grandiose leaps that leave me gasping for air.
Maybe,just maybe, success isn’t about external validation. Maybe it’s about internal fulfillment. It’s about living a life that feels true to me, not chasing someone else’s version of success. It’s about showing up for myself, creating for the joy of it, and trusting that the right opportunities will unfold when I’m grounded in my own values—not when I’m scrambling to meet someone else’s idea of what’s “successful.”
I want to shift my focus. I want to live for the sake of living, not for the approval of others or the checkboxes on some imaginary list. The external validation? It’s nice, sure, but it’s not enough to sustain me anymore. The kind of success I crave is one that comes from a place of contentment, not comparison. It’s about being at peace with who I am right now, not constantly striving to become something else just to feel “enough.”
In the end, maybe the only real success is finding joy in the process, embracing the ebb and flow, and learning to love the work itself—without attaching it to a number or a “final” goal.
That’s my big secret/not so secret plan for 2025.
Reframing Failure and Success
As I reflect on everything I’ve been through, it’s clear to me now that failure and success need to be redefined. Failure is no longer something to fear, something to avoid at all costs. It’s no longer an enemy lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce. Instead, failure is something to be owned and accepted. It's not a reflection of who I am, but a part of the process. Failure has become a teacher, not a judgment.
I’ve learned that success doesn’t come from avoiding failure. In fact, it’s the lessons I’ve learned from my failures that have shaped me into who I am today. Success, in its truest form, is not about achieving a set of goals or crossing off a list of accomplishments. It’s about embodying both success and failure, accepting both as essential parts of life. Real success comes from showing up, day after day, knowing that progress isn’t always linear. It’s messy, it’s imperfect, and that’s okay.
The way I see it now, success is about being at peace with where I am, regardless of whether I’ve hit a financial target or followed a prescribed path to “success.” It’s about the quiet victories—the moments where I’m aligned with my purpose, where I feel fulfilled in the work I’m doing, even if the world hasn’t yet acknowledged it. Success is about living authentically, embracing all that comes with it: the triumphs, the failures, the highs, and the lows.
This shift in perspective has granted me a new sense of freedom. I’m no longer chasing external validation or measuring myself against someone else’s standards. I’m focusing on creating a life that feels good to me, one that’s rooted in joy, creativity, and balance. It’s about finding peace with who I am right now, rather than constantly striving to become something else for the sake of validation.
In the end, success is a state of mind. It’s not an achievement to be checked off; it’s a way of living. A way of living with grace, acknowledging both the failures and successes that make up the full picture. And for the first time in a long time, I’m embracing both.
In joy.
I believe that is all for today.
I would be so happy to hear from you.
Thank you in advance for your comment.
See you soon, for my next online adventures!
Until then I send you love, light and gratitude.
Isaya
PS: On a very practical way, I am focusing on my healing, so there is not much happening in my business world… I’ll be writing as usual, of course, and maybe creating some podcast episodes… but on the whole, I might be AFK (away from keyboard) for some time… I’ll keep you posted when something new happens! New projects are starting to brew!
I also do have less money coming in. One way to help and support me is to actually buy something from me!
You can support my journey by exploring transformational online programs designed to connect you with your inner goddess.
https://isayabelle.com/the-magic-goddess-online-programs
or here: https://isayabelle.com/tech-goddess-academy-2
PPS: Please bear in mind that I am reclaiming my journey and that my solutions and my path are mine and mine only. They are not intended to be a guide or a list of advice, a handbook or manual or any kind, least of all medical. This is just me sharing my journey.
[…] If you're interested in exploring failure and rebirth, check out this other post for instance: https://isayabelle.com/what-failure-feels-like-when-youre-in-it […]