Watts, George Frederic; After the Deluge

So … Haven’t written here for a very long time …But here we go again … No pressure, I can’t guarantee I’m going to be writing once  week … I give myself no more tracks or rules to follow.

There are no guidelines anymore after you’ve lost everything, all the landmarks you thought were irrevocable … So this is not a blog anymore … It is a trip, a voyage into the unknown …

If you want to follow my self discovery … and hopefully bear witness to my healing and hopefully see the chrysalis become a butterfly … You are most welcome …

One thing I can tell you about the ride … We’re gonna have music!

For those who don’t know, I’ve just been to Ireland and loved it (more about that soon!) … So the music to start with is Irish … I’m loving it !

I’m following a great program by Julie Creffield, called 100 ways to stop dieting and start living… We are working around #RadicalSelfLove … That is what came out today … Various light bulb moments have occurred …

  1. I suddenly decided to write a blog post (after almost 8 months of not feeling it at all anymore …).I think I can have my blog and its few readers being accountable for me ! That will also  provide a journal of my journey !
  2. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do the journaling work in English … My maternal language is French and I think some of the issues I will be tacking are still childhood ones … Have been doing a lot of work about body issues/weight before but always in English … I might have to try and do some in French too, in order to reach deeper layers of my unconscious beliefs….
  3.  …. Love is a verb … a doing word. F* … That struck me …Because I have been preaching self-love and even practicing it … on an emotional/feeling attitude … But this idea that it is all about the actions … made me cry. And I will start implementing!
  4. How easy do I find to act towards myself from a position of love ? NOT EASY AT ALL … Basically I don’t. I always go a and ask for approval when practicing self-love … To put myself first, i.e. to act selfishly, is freeking difficult… And calls from approval from my mum, my kids, my friends, my husband … STOP !
  5. Biggest realization: I’ve been overweight since I had mono when I was 9 yo. Just today I thought about looking in Louise Hays’ books about mono … It relates to “Anger at not receiving love and appreciation… No longer wanting to care for the self” … Seriously ?? OMG … So when I was a child, for some reason I felt unloved or unappreciated and  “created” mono then became overweight .. and stayed that way, a “nice” protection against more love or appreciation …

F* … I’m 51 yo today.

Enough of that.

Enough.

NOW I CHANGE.

I can’t give the power to someone else anymore … I have to give myself that love. I do feel that if I was smaller it might be easier to be loved, by myself and others … but I also know I am a wonderful catch EXACTLY AS I AM…

I am light.

Indie Aria says it all.

So I’ll see you lovely people.

In the meantime, I’m sending, as always, love, light and gratitude

Isaya

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